After so many months off sick, I’m back at work!
It feels so good, even on reduced hours and a very restricted working schedule.
To have a purpose, to have something to get up for in the morning, to feel like I might make a small, tiny difference somewhere in the world by the work I do!
I have to take things really gently. My body is a ticking timebomb, with joints ready to implode/explode/disintegrate at little or no notice. So 30 minutes working, 45 minute resting for now. A ridiculous working pattern, but I’m going to build it up slowly and hopefully I’ll get to a stage where it’s comfortable/tolerable to sit for longer periods.
Work can often seem dreary, especially on Monday mornings! But when it’s taken away from you, snatched away when you’re halfway through a project, when you’re gearing your efforts towards a promotion, when you really feel as if the work you do has purpose and does some good in the world, not having that passion to get you through the day can feel almost like a bereavement.
But I do feel somewhat blessed by the time I’ve had to heal and recuperate. I’ve had time to explore new ways of finding joy – pottering in the garden, reading new books, and starting this blog! I’m immensely grateful for my employer’s safety net that has provided this security.
Now on to constant recovery and taking good care of my health everyday!
My mortal enemy has surfaced again – bindweed.
Every year that twisty-turny, creepy-crawly plant sprouts out of hibernation and causes havoc.
It’s exhausted me!
I have to be honest. Looking out on the garden over the past few weeks I’ve thought “what’s the point, it’s never going to look nice. I’m never going to be able to manage it.”
It’s been a bit of a dark few weeks.
But today, I donned the gardening gloves and made a start. The patio weeds have been banished and I’ve got all the pots placed in the right place.
I can sit in the warm sunshine, hear the birds and buzzing bees, feel that gently rustling breeze, smell the thriving lavender and feel a small sense of calm overtake me.
The bindweed is still there. Just over the fence.
It will get tackled slowly but surely, and I only need to persevere little by little. But for today, I need calm and quiet and to appreciate why the work is worth it.
Consultant appointment today. Rheumatology, the purveyors of all things bone and tendon.
I’ve been seeing rheumatologists for about 4 years to try and come to a conclusion about what’s wrong with my sore, bendy, wobbly and fainty body.
Last year I thought we’d cracked it – Generalised Hypermobility Spectrum Disorder and Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (try saying that to paramedics when you’re half passed out…)
It sort of fits. I am quite abnormally bendy (think, putting toe in mouth and leg around shoulder as party trick to amuse some and disgust most)
I am fainty with my heart rate being stupidly high when standing up and only less marginally stupid when sitting down.
My body seems to think doing the washing up is equivalent to doing a marathon. My family disagrees, and gently teases me for my lack of stamina.
But there are odd things that don’t fit.
- Odd tingly, burning sensations.
- Dizziness like hell on earth.
- Having to launch myself out of a bed/chair/car to be sure of getting up.
My rheumatologist is a bit flummoxed by this.
She said I also had ‘brisk reflexes’ which sounded rather good to me! Apparently not.
So I’m trying to stop myself getting caught in the scary dark world of “Dr Google” where everything means death or at the very least total misery.
On the plus side, I did get in to the appointment on time, blood test straight away and had an X Ray all within an hour – fantastic job NHS!
We’ll see over the coming months whether there’s anything to do. For now we’ll plod along as always!
Just over 2 months ago, on a beautiful crisp winter day in the Cotswolds my lovely, gorgeous partner became my lovely, gorgeous fiancé.
I can’t say it was a massive surprise because we’d both been semi-joking about it for some time. Add to that a stunning weekend away near to Stratford-upon-Avon and well, it was settled. We are officially due to marry, afionced, engaged.
After the excited ring around of various friends and family, it suddenly dawned on me that I was not a typical woman. I’d not been thinking about my “perfect” wedding for years and years.
My mind is a wedding void.
A void without a clue about the scary world of dresses and buttonholes and bouquets and table planning.
My mind has become a lot more crowded since that day in the Cotswolds. Not necessarily with any more answers or solutions.
I feel more confused by wedding magazines and wedding Pinterest boards than ever.
Is it okay to just think about eloping?
I had a dream that I was late for my wedding and had to marry in jeans and no make up. We’ve not even set a date and I’m having wedding anxiety dreams!!
So, I’m going to use this space as a bit of a safe thinking area, where ideas might flourish and grow. And hopefully I won’t be married in jeans and woefully overgrown eyebrows.
Anyone else had or having wedding anxiety? Let me know so we can get through it!